Friday, 30 April 2010

Japanese Virgins

Before I start I should mention two things. First this post is not pornography (but may contain material some people might deem as ‘pornographic’ or ‘lewd’). And second, I don't believe I'm a misogynist (but again, I'm sure there are people who will disagree with that self-assessment). So let me begin.

Ugly girls in Japan are often not that ugly. Fat is a relative term and what is often deemed as ‘fat’ here in Japan would be considered ‘plump’ or ‘comfortable’ in other heavier regions of the globe. The typical 'ugly Japanese girl' may have buck teeth, or wear chunky glasses, or have a prominent birthmark or not have the slimmest legs but to use the ‘u’ word to describe these women is a crying shame.

There is a certain type of female in Japan who are destined to die virgins because they consider themselves not pretty enough to go out there and grab a boyfriend. They stay at home with their parents, do an office job, go to bed early on a Saturday night and if they harbour secret dreams it is to travel to Paris or Barcelona for 4 days and 3 nights. They are viciously referred to as ‘parasite daughters’. They never leave the nest of the family and instead become a burden on their family. As with most Asian cultures, not producing kids, means the girl is not taking the family (if not the family name) into the next generation. That is a crime against the ancestors. Who will worship the ancestors if the blood line dies out?

This is a motivational piece. What I say to these 30 something virgins who have resigned themselves to respectable boredom for their rest of their lives is to stop being defeatist, to get out there and have a go at finding love. It won't find you at home while you are in your pajamas tucked under the kotatsu eating ice cream and watching dull Japanese TV. You need to get out there and make some mistakes like young people do. It is stupid to imagine you are going to find love before you find sex. You Japanese virgins are so god damned cautious and respectable that you foolishly think love will precede any physical encounter. The truth is sadly not made in a basement of Disneyworld. The only way to find Mr. Right is to look for Mr. Right Now. Get out there and suck some cock. Be sexual. Discover your sexuality. It is your human right. Only by making a start are you going to get to the finishing line. Please listen, taking risks in sex is foolish, but so is not taking risks in love. Sexual desire is what nature put in us to insure the continuance of the species. To suppress this because of some middle class notion of respectability is unnatural. You may think that you want love but that is just a clever ruse to get us out there and doing it.

So do it. The reality is that often Mr. Right Now remains just a regrettable bit of fun and bodily fluid exchange. But in 99% of cases a Mr. Right was first just another Mr. Right Now. Don't expect a Richard Gere speaking Italian and dressed in Armani to sweep you off your feet in a five star hotel. More likely the menu served will be sticky drinks and a fumble in a car park followed by stilted conversation and a feeling of embarrassment. But it may lead to another encounter and slightly better conversation and slightly more enjoyable fumbling. And who knows where it will go over time? Wedding bells and babies puking could result from that sordid little car park encounter. And if the second time is worse than the first then throw in your hand and wait for what the next deal throws out.

What I'm saying is that you might think that yours is not a face to a launch a thousand ships. So what? Most faces don't get a single dingy out. It is all Hollywood (and Homeric) nonsense. The media tries to make us worship computer generated perfection and would have us retreat into IMAX oblivion where everything is strikingly perfect and the music starts up at the right time. Luckily we still have the reproductive urge that causes us to get aroused despite our dissatisfaction that the one we are with is not Halle Berry, Scarlett Johansson, Brad Pitt or Orlando Bloom. And if that arousal continues with the same imperfect creature for long enough then monogamy will rear its ambiguous head and there you have it. A partner is found and you are spared from a life of loneliness.

And of course if things go wrong then you just have to pick yourself up, bury your dead, re-group and remount the assault. All those Japanese virgin 30 something daughters need to put aside their respectability or shyness or lack of self-worth and get out there and show the Rocky spirit. You may think you're ugly but you'd be surprised at how many boys out there also think they're ugly and stay at home jacking off. You two should meet up and do the Christian thing and jack each other off. You are not that ugly. Instead of comparing yourself to teenagers in miniskirts or film stars, I would recommend you pay a visit to my hometown, Kidderminster and do your comparisons again. You might be pleasantly surprised. I'm a firm believer in the ‘there is always someone more’ rule. This rule states that there is always someone more handsome or more beautiful or smarter than you out there. Of course that also means the opposite is true – there is always someone uglier, less handsome and less talented then you out there. So stop condemning yourself and instead go out and get laid. That virginity thing is nothing. Literally it has no value so you are not losing anything. It is merely a relic from misogynistic cultures where men need to control women and are paranoid that female sexuality might undo the good work done by centuries of cultural conditioning. Fuck that. Get fucked, you ugly Japanese virgins. You owe it to yourself.

I write this not because I feel that we need any more people in the world but because every working day I encounter female students who live at home with their parents and do nothing to lose their virginity. Instead they go on family trips to Disneyland or the grave of some family patriarch. Bullshit to that. These girls are too good to be condemned to a sexless existence. I can see inferiority complex written all over them. Sometimes I want to stop the lesson and look seriously into their eyes and say:

"I'd do you."

And it's not just me who would tickle their fancy; I've got plenty of mates who also would love to do them. So instead of wasting money and time learning English these women should find themselves a wing girl and go in search of lust and a good time.

As an addendum I would like to suggest some ways to lose your virginity:

1)    Get drunk in a bar or club. Look available. If you meet a guy who is not too revolting or creepy simply make lots of eye contact, laugh at his jokes and allow things to happen. You are old enough to stay out late. If your mate is a kill joy and wants to go home then let her. If you must go home then get a number or email.
2)    Go to a foreign country and see if you have luck in foreign bars. Really, if you've been learning English for years you owe it to yourself to try and get chatted up in English, otherwise what has it all been for?
3)    Join clubs. Not cooking clubs. But clubs with boys. Clubs where you go out drinking together. Who knows what might happen after late night karaoke?
4)    Accentuate the positive and hide the negative. If you've got nice tits wear clothes to show those bad boys off. If you have a bit of a spare tire then don't wear a T-shirt that stops before your belly button.
5)    Get on the internet. Make friends on mixi or facebook. Join online dating agencies.
6)    Ask the male partners of your friends if they have any single mates. Allow people to try and help you with your love life.
7)    Don't say ‘no’ as a knee jerk reaction to any proposal that may come your way.
8)    Make sure he wears a condom. If there isn't one available then manually or orally sort out his randiness. Such kindness might lead to reciprocation on a far more profound level. And next time bring out a condom. Take control of your sexual health.
9)    Be happy. Nobody likes a miserable bird.

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

Cram Schools

When I was at school there was a certain common type of student who left their preparation for exams until the night before. On the eve of the exam they would stay up late ‘cramming’. In other words, forcing information into their memories as quickly as possible and hoping that enough of it would stay accessible in their short term memory until the exam. For many this was a successful tactic to scrap through exams with a minimal of effort.

It surprised me when I first came to Japan to hear about a type of after-school learning place that was called a juku. The commonly believed translation for juku is 'cram school'. Why would the well-organized Japanese encourage their kids to ‘cram’ instead of ‘learn’?